Monday

Weekend of wise words

Two Months left. That's all I have left till I hand in my final collection and get off this rollercoaster which has been University. I have been struggling with the enormity of it all and this has been reflected in some hideous creative block. Hours have been spent staring at white fabric, white pages in sketchbooks, white tiles in the bathroom as I take yet another 'relaxing' bath, white, white, white. In an attempt to get some perspective I tootled off to see my fake-big-sister-from-another-mister SilverLining for some much needed sofa time by the fire, piles of dogs, advice and gin. And she came up trumps in all counts.

Thursday involved a wild goose chase for yarn which was always just an excuse to go to the gorgeous Portuguese cafe and load up on sugary treats. Friday, well Friday was a day of non stop supportive, useful and relevant advice. The train ride was filled with help on writing my business plan and making it a useful relevant thing, in a language that I understood. For the first time in months I felt inspired by the potential of being a graduate and not trapped by the possibilities  Sadly I think I learnt more in a 90 minute train ride than I have all year in my lectures. Our plan was to see the Bowie show at the V&A. The tickets for this show are harder to get hold of that unicorns but news of a loophole was fluttering all over twitter - if you became a member of the V&A you could go to any show, whenever you liked no need for timed tickets! Excellent, getting to see a brilliant show and supporting a wonderful gallery gives you a sense of both smugness at cheating the system and a peculiar feeling of pride at being a patron of the arts. Before the show we met up with some Lovely People for The Best Tapas in London, champagne at lunchtime and the good Life advice just kept coming.

The most important of which was that the actual act of finishing my degree is never going to live up to my expectations. Nothing could. It is like those couples who spend years planning a wedding to discover that no matter how wonderful the day is it just couldn't live up to the pressure of all that planning. I have been trying to get my degree for 12 years now. This is my sixth attempt. In that time I have survived more life drama than I ever imagined possible and through it all the fact that I hadn't managed to get a degree was a millstone of epic proportions. At times it consumed me. The sense of lacking and implied failure defined me for too long. There is no way that the final receipt for my final deadline can compete with that amount of pressure, but do you know what - that's OK. Turns out that the underwhelming feelings of 'that's it?!' aren't just another way that I am failing at being a student, that's just how everyone feels at the end of their degree.

So it is with a sense of realism and calm that I am tackling these next two months. I'm not going to waste another moment frozen by the pursuit of a perfection that can 'fix' the last 12 years. It doesn't exist and the only thing that I'll get from it is overwhelming regret for wasting these last few months on it's pursuit. Instead I am doing this because I want to, because I love it, because I took the scary decision to change my life - drop out, go to art school and because it was totally worth it.

Thank you to the Lovely People for your excellent advice. I'm off to put it into practice.

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