Over the last 18 months my home life has changed dramatically. I am now the proud owner of a tiny human, Sassa. The journey to proud Mama has been one of many ups and downs. I have learnt so much that has surprised me, inspired me, and changed me. I am a terrible pregnant person, there was no glow, there was quite a lot of complaining, and a mountain of ice cream consumed. I also wasn't a great stay at home Mum during my maternity leave. Now there were other factors (there always are) but I think the biggest was that we had always planned that BorderlineStraggler would be the one doing the majority of the childcare. I like working, I get a sense of fulfilment from my job, and bottom line I earn more money. So throughout my maternity leave I did lots of keep in touch days, there was barely a fortnight that I didn't pop by with the baby, but secretly all of that was to make sure that I kept in mind I was going to have to go back. I couldn't ever get 'into' stay-at-home-ness because that was temporary. Looking back I don't regret that, I have months of happy new baby memories and we have made the right decision for our family.
I went back to work when Sass was 6 months old. the first 2 months were a whilrwind of trying to get used to our new set up. Then I hit the doldrums. It has been very hard to find working Penny underneath all the Mama Penny. Simple things like I have had to change my working patterns, I now get in before everyone else, but I leave and hour before they do. I have a midweek day off, but I work Saturday's. All of these little adjustments have made me feel very unsettled. The tension between Girl Boss and Working Mama was consuming far to much of my nighttime hours (and with a 10 month old there are still a few of those!). How can I manage a team I only see for a few hours a week? How can I make meetings in London but still be home for an evening feed? Should we give up and put Sass in childcare for longer? How can we afford the new patio?
Too much. Too many how's and what if's. And then like all good cliches I saw a quote on a mug that struck a chord with me:
|image credit: That's Nice That - Not on the highstreet|